Before reading on into this post I ask you to recognize how this story comes from a very vulnerable part of my own life. I have done my very best to be very honest, open and tactful. I believe this is an issue that has come up in my own life, perhaps in yours too, or maybe these are just points to ponder.
I have mentioned a couple times in past newsletters and blog posts that upon getting into Detroit I immediately looked for a service opportunity outside of NOAH where I could get to know another organization, get to know the people I am working with better and just have a place where I can get to know others who are working with the homeless. So the search was on for a dinner program that I could easily get involved with volunteering my time and that I could get to directly from work via bike. It took me until late September to find such a place, but finally after hearing about this church from several of my friends who come through NOAH and actually referring some to this church for a hot meal and a warm bed, I decided to check it out.
I will just use the church's initials MBK, I am not sure it matters about being confidential with the church, but just in case. Anyway, I have been working with MBK for quite sometime now I think it has given me a fantastic avenue to see familiar faces in another setting, do what I am told and see another way of service. It was at MBK on Thursday of this past week that I had some painful realizations.
See at MBK I never know who is going to show up to volunteer, sometimes there are 40 sometimes there are 3. Anyway, this was one of those days where I walk in with nearly 35 people present to volunteer. I kept busy cleaning up after people and serving the food when asked, but it was in some downtime between when everyone had been served and seconds being passed out when I sat down to take a break.
While sitting in that chair overlooking the gym where people were eating I saw several people that I had already talked to, that I would say that I know fairly well through N.O.A.H. Some of these men and women in front of me I am striving to learn more about, get to know even better and learn from. This is when a stinking feeling slowly snuck its way into my head.
I realize that as much as I feel volunteering is a humbling, eye opening and overall a "good" experience in this situation there was a sense of pride still in present. I strive to build relationships with the people that I am giving a meal to yet I do not sit down and eat with my friend. It was in this moment where I could feel a still present barrier. While I was willing to step into the same building, work with, talk to, joke with, learn from and build community with many of these people I was still secretly adamant about keeping a small buffer built to separate us. This barrier was that of being a volunteer and the ego involved.
The ego that I find that we find with volunteering is the notion in the back your head saying, "I am giving my time, your welcome" or "my 'daily bread' doesn't depend on this place." While I never, ever dreamt of saying this to anyone I believe this is a consistent sentiment held by those who volunteer in different settings and it is divisive to the two parties interacting. This ego ruins mutuality. This ego keeps differing power dynamics and socio economic status' alive and well. And worse we even see people gaining a certain amount of pride off of this power differential, when someone volunteering simply does not see those being served as an equal. This hurts.
It hurts to realize that if we are not constantly vigilant to keep the mindset that each party has something to gain from the interaction of volunteering. One party may bring 14 pans of lasagna, while the other may come to the table with a couple plastic bags of clothes, each still arrives with a story to share, lessons to be learned and a common humanity and need for relationship. Maybe if I can keep this fact in mind this ego barrier can slowly become smaller and smaller (and possibly begin to disappear).
I must finish with a recognition of reality. I understand that there probably will never be a time where I can completely eradicate the barriers between myself and the homeless that I work with, but if there is ever an opportunity to make this differential smaller then I hope to work towards that. I feel that as we make our differences in experience, beliefs and status between each other smaller, it then leaves more room for us to get to know one another on a deeper more authentic level. Maybe that is more along the lines of community and the community that we see preached with "love your neighbor" as a central tenant.
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